You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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