You smell like a Billy Joel song
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
honey bunches of taint.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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