the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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