Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
