my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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