its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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