So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
