Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We had to coat check the pizza.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
