She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
