Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's never too late to be topless.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize