During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
