mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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