ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
