if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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