I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
