I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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