Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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