I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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