How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
