homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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