omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
