Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
