The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
