I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
