I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
