The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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