His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
