Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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