Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
