Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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