I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
