Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
