Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
