I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
