the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
