can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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