"it" just moved
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
