Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
