I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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