I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
