If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
