I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
