you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
