12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
