She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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