Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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