This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
