his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
