I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
