Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize