Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
