So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
