Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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