that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
