the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
