I wish I could punch you in the face.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
