Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
