You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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