Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
