i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Vodka?
Forever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
