I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize